Wednesday, November 27, 2019

Exploring NXIVM part 2

I feel i need to do a second blog about NXIVM because their is so much information on the cult on the internet that i could write a whole novel!

Here are some things that are important to know about NXIVM

  • The higher ups always lied about what was going on, no one ever got a straight answer Even Sarah was lied to about what the "tattoo" was, she did not discover the KR until later. which is super heartbreaking! Plus she NEVER EVER EVER asked for it and now she has another man's initials on her body...YUCK!
  • I watched an A&E special about cults and the one i watched was on NXIVM and the guy who brought Sarah in (Mark) felt REALLY guilty about bringing her in especially after he learned that they were branding girls...Mark felt responsible. My heart also breaks for Mark because he was also being lied to, and did what the higher ups told him to do, which was lie, because of the collateral that was on the line.
  • Everyone on Keith R's inner circle would paint him as a "master teacher" better words to describe KR are "master manipulator" and "psychopath" 
  • Sarah explains in her book that when NXIVM really wants you they will find a way to keep you in if you cannot afford to pay for training or to attend certain events so Sarah, and her then boyfriend at the time did a "work exchange" which meant Sarah's boyfriend joined Mark on his camera team and then Sarah joined in and  was what she called a "Jane of all trades" This so called "work exchange" took place during V-WEEK ,a week long celebration to honor Keith's birthday!! I gotta admit, I'm kind of jealous, i wish people would spend a whole week celebrating MY birthday! 
  • The women recruited into DOS were BEAUTIFUL and thin...
  • when Keith was arrested, he was in Mexico "hiding out" with a crew  of some of his inner  circle and i read online that they were going to do some sort of re-commitment thing which included group sex......GROSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KR really was a manipulative guy..
 I hope this post helped to clarify some things i did not mention in the first part...I may do a third part focusing on the trial and the pleas including Keith, Lauren, Allison and some of the other NXIVM people!

Until Next Time!

Monday, November 25, 2019

Exploring the NXIVM cult

**This post contains imagery that my not be suited for younger readers**

NXIVM pronounced nexeeum was a cult I recently rediscovered after listening to A gripping memoir by Canadian actress Sarah Edmondson.  I also learned from Sarah's book that a NEXUM is basically like a slave to a master, which is where Keith most likely came up with NXIVM and the offshoot DOS!

What  do i mean by rediscovered??? well, i remember hearing about Keith Reinere the founder and Allison Mack, one of the higher ups getting arrested and the letters NXIVM on the TV screen, but i didn't think much of it cuz people get arrested all the time right? well, at the time i didn't realize just how HUGE NXIVM was and how crazy it all was. this was back in the summer of 2018.

Fast forward to about 5 weeks ago when i was at Barnes and Noble's website  and saw the book with the letters NXIVM on them (in the newly released section of the website), well, at that point the power cord made contact with the outlet in my brain and i was like OMG, THIS is what that guy that got arrested last year was part of, and i just HAD to read or listen to it! I  got it on Audible since i had a credit to use up so i could listen to it. and WOW, just WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! Some of the content just made me cry for Sarah, she went through so much crap that i just wanted to fly to Vancouver, find out where she lived and give her the biggest hug in the entire world!!!!!!!!!!! I actually do hope that someday i can meet Sarah and her husband. They are both so strong for speaking out against NXIVM AND i'm sure their two children are absolutely adorable :-)

My favorite part of Sarah's book was when she and her hubby were leaving the group and her hubby went right up to one of the higher ups and yelled YOU BRANDED MY FUCKING WIFE!!!!!!!!! the first time i heard that i was like WHOA!! i had to listen to that little part again to make sure i heard it correctly :-) I was also expecting it to take me a while to listen to it because just the title SCARRED, made it seem like i was gonna cry, but actually, i listened to it in only 2 days :-) pretty impressive because usually it will take me about 7-8 days to listen or even read one book, but this book had me hooked from the prologue which took place in 2017. (she then went back to the very beginning when she got in in 2005)

So what exactly Is NXIVM? well, they were what they called and executive success program (ESP) Headquartered in Albany NY with different pods all around the USA, Canada and Mexico.  Sarah was part of the Vancouver branch, but would have to travel to Tacoma WA for training since Vancouver didn't have a center (yet) Sarah would eventually climb high enough on the "stripe path' to open the Vancouver ESP center.

The "stripe path" is just like what they use in karate to mark progress, different   colored sashes indicated your rank and the different stripes on that sash, indicate how many trainings you have taken. just like in karate different belt colors indicate what level you are! Sarah got all the way to Green.

But how in the world do you get into something like this? well, of course, someone tells you all about it and you think it sounds interesting so you decided to take the 5 day initial training. Then, when you have a major break through, this is EXACTLY what you need so you put your life on hold and join this program in hopes that it will change your life! which NXIVM did with so many people all while hiding    the TRUTH...and in 2018 the truth came out the NXIVM was bringing beautiful women to have sex with Keith Reinere...the founder....SAY WHAT? yup, you heard me, NXIVM was a SEX CULT!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT...this gets even crazier! in 2017 Sarah was invited to what she was told was a "sisterhood" and  to get into this group they would have have an initiation process. BUT first, she had to provide collateral..meaning, provide something damaging that if she didn't do what she was told, it would be released and publically humiliate her such as a very very risque photo, or video.
In Sarah's book she describes in detail what she was instructed to do once she got to Lauren's house, she had to "go upstairs and get naked" she obeyed, and then a bit later she was led downstairs buck named and sat on a rug with 5 other women who were also buck naked...oh, and they were being filmed...and, that video was sent to none other then KR himself......

Next it came time to get their "tattoo" which wasn't a tattoo at all it was a monogram of KR and AM two of the higher ups initials...but get this, the branding as it was called was done WITHOUT NUMBING MEDICINE!!! that's right, Sarah was laying buck naked on a table and nothing to numb the pain and was getting a KR and an AM burned into her flesh....if this had been me, i would have told them to fucking stop, ran out of the room grabbed my clothing and went immediately to the cops...BUT, since Sarah was so indoctrinated at this point and didn't want her collateral published, she gritted her teeth and didn't run... Picture of the "tattoo" 

The Branding did NOT take place in a hospital or any sort of sterile environment, it took place in Allison Mack's home!  NOT somewhere I'd want to get intentionally burned...what if something had gone wrong??? the person who did the brand was a doctor but still....i'd wanna be in a sterile environment...but that's just the way DOS rolled...

This 'sisterhood" was actually an offshoot of NXIVM called DOS, which means Dominant over submissive....Sarah was Lauren's slave, Lauren was the master and Sarah had to do whatever the hell Lauren wanted her to if Lauren had told Sarah to go find a man who wasn't her hubby and "have sex and enjoy it" with him she would have to obey or risk having her collateral published..........This just broke my heart.... i felt so bad for Sarah, but  the story didn't end their....Sarah eventually left NXIVM for good, and as she states in her book "the universe was supporting her" because she got job offers for acting and voice acting :-) I definitely encourage you all the read the book it's called SCARRED: THE TRUE STORY OF HOW I ESCAPED NXIVM, THE CULT THAT BOUND MY LIFE! it is joyful, sad and just plain awesome!

The one question i asked myself the other day is DOES NXIVM STILL EXIST....
i did some research and here are some things i found out...

--KR's website no longer exists

--NXIVM official website has been archived and nothing shows up

--you never hear about it so i'm guessing it is defunct, especially since Keith R is in jail, Allison M is most likely still on house arrest in CA and Lauren S & , Nancy S disappeared into thin air after DOS and NXIVM were exposed the the entire world

--it DOES exist all over the internet, i did a google search for LAUREN SALZMAN (she was one of the higher ups) and their were TONS of articles about her and her time in NXIVM and a whole slew about what she testified in court about and it is HEAVY!!!! holy crap!

--Physically, NXIVM is a thing of the past just like died when KR got arrested just like jonestown died when People's temple died by mass murder by drinking kool aid laced with cyanide....

After i got done listening the book, my mind went to one of my favorite songs "Broken" by Lifehouse.  I also just recently bought the book from Amazon because i think it would be incredible to one day meet Sarah and have her sign my copy! She is an incredibly strong women and i admire her a lot!

Before i close, i just want to say a big resounding THANK YOU to Sarah, Anthony, Mark, Bonnie and all the other NXIVM people who got out and told their story to the world! It must have been so so so so hard, but you all are very brave people and i applaud you! I also am virtually sending hugs to ANYONE who has ever been involved in a cult and has found their way out! You all are amazing and i hope you all are doing well!

I may do a second post about NXIVM because their is so much more to it then what i have described here, but i have to do way more research and organize my thoughts  to write them down properly! For now, i encourage you all to read or listen to Sarah Edmonson's book, it paints a picture of a psycho, BUT it also paints a picture of hope and restoration!!

Until next time!

Friday, June 14, 2019

Pictures speak 1,000 words!

Pictures speak one thousand words! This picture happens to be one of my favorites! This mother and child are NOT biologically related! This mother chose to love this little girl as her own! No, this mother did not grow this lil one inside of her or go through hours of pain to birth her, instead, she loved this child when her biological mother could not care for her. This mother cuddled her, loved her, wiped her tears, cried with her, fed her, changed her and when the time was right, she signed a form saying she would love this little girl forever and LEGALLY became her mother!!! That, my friends is the picture of an adopted daughter, with her adoptive mother! This mother pictured, has 1 other adopted son, and is in the process of adopting another beautiful little boy! I am so glad that she decided to adopt! their are hundred of children waiting for families to love and care for them when their birth parents aren't able to care for them!
If you are an adoptive parent, THANK YOU for loving these children and giving them lots of love! YOU are heroes!

Tuesday, May 14, 2019

Apollo 13...did i hear that right? And a small lesson in listening!

One of my favorite movies is APOLLO 13 starring Tom Hanks, Kevin Bacon, Gary Sinise and Bill Paxton as, Jim Lovell, Jack Swigert , Ken Mattingly and Fred Haise. The movie also stars some other people, obviously, who help make the story come alive!

The first time i actually paid attention while watching this move i was like "what??"  That moment happened to be during  a short scene where Jim, played by TH is  going to the bathroom and he says "it's too bad we can't demonstrate this on TV" and Fred, played by Paxton, just smiles and a few seconds later says "all right, overboard dump comin it comes...the constellation urion."
I was like "constellation urine,," i busted out laughing because it was SO FUNNY! of course they would call it constellation urine. TOTALLY makes sense.

But then i started to doubt myself that they ACTUALLY said "urine" so i went back to that part of the movie and put on the subtitles and they weren't saying URINE, they were saying URION. Then i started to think about what if they had actually said "urine" constellation urine sounds really dumb! Then i was curious about if their actually was a urion constellation, which there is not, there is however, an ORION constellation! I love learning new things!!

I find it fascinating that sometimes, when we don't pay attention, we mis-interpret what people say or we completely don't know what they said. It is important to PAY ATTENTION to what people are saying so that we know what they are saying so we know how to respond!


Until next time!

Friday, May 3, 2019

A picture of depression and Hope


If you know me well, you know that i LOVE medical stuff! Even if you have never met me, now you know that i LOVE medical stuff! One of the medical shows that i like to watch is Grey's Anatomy! I honestly do not remember why i got hooked on it, probably cuz well, i LOVE medical stuff! or maybe it's because of the first five minutes of the Pilot episode...

ANYWAY....the last few episodes have dealt with the character Jo (aka Brooke) She had been on a quest to find her birth mother and one of the other Doctors helped her out by hacking a system (genius doctor IMO) ANYWAY, she found her birth mother and went to go visit her.

Before i get into the details of her visit with her birth mom, just a little background on Jo, she had been homeless and had lived in her car, she went to school, met a dude named Paul Stadler, married him, he turned out to be an abusive husband who isolated her from friends and family and made her believe that no one wanted her and would physically hurt her when he did not like what she did or said. Paul eventually suffered from a secondary concussion before his first concussion healed that made him brain dead and Jo decided to donate his organs. PERFECT no more abuse! YAY she married Alex and was happy :-) then she decided she wanted to find her birth mom and Alex was very supportive :-) and Levi helped her out!

OK, now lets get into the visit with her birth mother! Before i begin, i did not watch the episode because the network put out a VIEWER DISCRETION WARNING, and i kind of knew what was coming based on the preview they showed all week, but i did read the summary and it was exactly as i predicted plus some more, so here we go....

Jo went to go meet her birth mom and basically her birth mother told her that Jo was conceived via rape and mom didn't want her...WHAT A HUGE BLOW TO JO....she had already been alienated by her husband and now she learned that her mom basically didn't want her so that's why Jo was homeless....

This news caused Jo to go into a state of shock and depression! It is understandable that she is upset. Some people in a Grey's group I am in are mad that Jo isn't talking to her husband about it, well guess what? Jo has every right not to tell her husband about it! Jo will tell Alex when she is good and ready and ONLY when she is good and ready! One things that i have learned with my own experience of being depressed is that every little thing makes you mad, you start not caring about things anymore and you do some pretty stupid things. Everyone deals with depression differently, Jo went to work completely wasted!!

So how can Alex come alongside Jo during this time? He can come along beside her by asking her "Jo, how can  i help you" instead of insisting Jo talk to him about what happened with her birth mom

It is appalling to me that people say Jo needs to "snap out of it" you don't just snap out of depression! you NEVER EVER EVER tell someone to snap out of depression as that will just make things worse than they already are! and shame on those people who aren't educated on the subject who think jo NEEDS to tell alex right away what happened..NO SHE DOES NOT!!!!!! As i stated before, Jo will tell Alex ONLY when she is ready!!

What else should you NEVER say to someone who is depressed?? Here are some things that are listed on (i will write them but you can also check out the web page the lady who wrote the article is a LICENSED social worker, so you can't really say she's wrong since this is what she does for a living :-))
--think positive
--don't think about it
--i know how you feel
--count your blessings
--it could be worse
--get over it

INSTEAD ask or say the following:
--How can i help you during this time
--i'm sorry that your hurting, i'm here for you
--tell me more about it (keep in mind, the person may not want to talk about it and that is OK, they are probably still processing what happened and need time to sort out their feelings and thoughts
--would you like to take a walk with me
--can i keep you company today
--can i bring you dinner this week
--thank you for sharing this with me so i can understand what you are going through (this is a big one, but only when the person is ready to share, will they share what they are going through!

So what exactly does depression look like??
Here are some common symptoms
--sad, anxious or empty mood
--feeling of hopelessness or helplessness
--gult or worthlessness
--loss of interest in activities
--changes in eating (weight gain/loss)
--moving or talking slowly
--difficulty concentrating or making decisions...and yes, sometimes they are stupid decisions, like getting wasted and going to work!
--sleep disturbance
--thoughts of death/suicide
--physical pain

Keep in mind, people react differently to depression, for me, i didn't want to talk to anyone or even be in the same space as someone else, i didn't enjoy things i had used to enjoy, i stayed in my room playing video games cuz that's the only thing i found joy in, i laid awake for hours before finally falling asleep. i felt guilty about everything i did because i wasn't sure if it was the "right" thing to do i had thoughts of self harm.

So why did I personally have all these thoughts? well, basically put, i had a guy in my life who I will call Paul Stadler, because well, his demeanor and manner was basically the same as the fictional character played by Matthew Morrison.  he basically told me what i wanted to hear and finally took advantage of me and took away my virginity! i was depressed and mad and upset for WEEKS and every little thing set me off. and i know it wasn't fair but i snapped at every body and told everyone to stop talking to me!..FINALLY after many many many months..i think it was maybe about 24 months. i had the courage to go to counseling for it.

My counselor is AWESOME! his name is Tony and i like him a lot! he doesn't force me to talk about anything if i don't want to, he always asks me "so how are you" and i can answer however i want and i can ask questions! i have been going to counseling for just about 3 years now and i have not only slowly started coming out of my depression, but i am also finding joy in more things now! Will Jo need counseling? ABSOLUTELY, and I hope Alex encourages her to go when she finally tells him what happened! Not only will it help Jo cope with stress, it will be a safe environment for her to vent her feelings with someone who had not known her before!

I liked how i went to counseling with someone who had not known me before hand. it made it easier! PLUS the couch is comfy to sit on so i'm more relaxed. OH, and one more thing i i will admit to, i have cried in counseling! but i felt like I could because i was in a safe place and i knew Tony wouldn't care because i'm sure tons of his clients cried in front of him before!

I am not completely over my depression and probably never will be, but i have found ways to manage it! one of the things i do is write my thoughts out in my diary, it does help a lot!

Not everyone suffers in the same way. the brilliant minds, who writes Grey's Anatomy are doing a great job making depression more realistic by spreading it out over several episodes. IF they had "cured" it the next episode that would most definitely NOT be realistic! spreading it out over several episodes makes it more real!

As someone once told me "sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom before you come back up to the surface"  In last nights GA episode i could see that Jo had hit her "rock bottom" I feel like last night was just that one thing that was like "WHOA".

Jo is a strong women and she is going to come out on the other side a completely different person than before! She is going to do great things and can and SHOULD be an advocate for those suffering from depression and Anxiety!


Until next time!

Happy Trails!

Wednesday, January 9, 2019






a while back i had blogged about my dream involving both Derek and Max..

Well, what i didn't mention that Derek and i were MARRIED..., it was a typical work-day and Max and I were having our FIRST ever patient at the NEW OBGYN department to deliver her baby :-) we were THRILLED to be finally using new techniques and procedures for helping women have a wonderful birthing experience...

Our first patient ever  in the made-over department was none other than...DEREK'S SISTER AMELIA (also from Grey's Anatomy) Amy as we called her was having a baby boy and he was going to be named Chris, after her big brother (Derek's middle name is Christopher) Amy was excited and nervous, as many first time mommy's are! We were ready! we brought her to her own private labor/delivery suite! We had even went so far as to put out ALL her favorite books, movies and magazines for her stay! She was thrilled. Being trained as a labor coach i helped her with breathing and walking and helped her stay calm. Then i left so Derek could help his sister since baby Chris's dad was not in the picture.

I went to Max's office to report back to him about what we had done and how things were going. We also monitored her progress via computer monitor and security camera footage that we had placed in each room to be sure no abuse was happening. We had put all the nursing staff through intense training, but we also added extra security measures as well to ensure patient safety!

All of a sudden while reviewing Amy's progress and going over some budget reports and stuff, Max said "you know you are a really good doctor, and a good partner" i blushed, said "thank you" and went back to work..I don't know what it was, but hormones took over and pretty soon without even realizing it at all, Max and I were kissing.....and getting all hot and heavy...and then my beeper went off because Amy's fetal monitor was going off, Baby was in distress and i needed to go........

That is when my brain woke up.................

So yes, i am, a dream cheater..............

Wednesday, December 19, 2018

2018 Christmas "letter"

December 19, 2018

Merry Christmas!

This year for my “letter” I’m going to tell you 10 things that happened in 2018 in no particular order! So, without further explanation, here we go!

1. Crossed “Go to the state of New York” off my bucket list! I still have a ton of items on my bucket list, one more of which will be completed in July of 2019 when we go  to Seattle/Lynden WA for my Cousins wedding!

2. Went to Niagara Falls Canada!!!!!! As a family we had been their before, a LONG time ago so it was fun to go again!

3. 7 years after graduating from sleeping on college dorm room beds (and graduating college), I did it again when I went to a Women’s conference in July. Dorm room beds are NOT comfortable at all! I was glad to get home and sleep on my nice comfy mattress!

4. Found out my sister and brother in law were adopting a baby boy!!! I was so excited, i bought my future nephew a bunch of dinosaur outfits :-) I’m hoping he grows up to like dinosaurs!

5. Went through customs in Canada ALL BY MYSELF! Since we flew in to Toronto, I got to fill out my own customs declaration form and tell the customs agent dude why I was their and how long I would be staying! It was easy it was all over in 3 minutes.

6. Turned 30 years old........

7.  Experienced what it was like to sit in a hospital surgery waiting room while my dad was in was boring.... now I know that when I had back surgery way back in 2003 my parents were probably bored out of their minds waiting... the hour and a half wait seemed MUCH longer.

8. When we were in Canada visiting my grandparents we went to a set of locks and it was actually pretty neat to see, The locks are all opened by hand so you need to have really good am strength! We also took my Aunt Irma out to eat one night, that was really fun because my Aunt is pretty great!

9. I had fun buying goofy Christmas presents for my family!

10. Set some goals for 2019! HOPEFULLY i’ll be able to keep some of them AND, cross  more items off of my bucket list!

Well, those are some things that happened in 2018!! 
I hope all of you have a wonderful Christmas and a very happy new year!

Exploring NXIVM part 2

I feel i need to do a second blog about NXIVM because their is so much information on the cult on the internet that i could write a whole no...